Thursday, November 09, 2006
i've done it. but this is the last time i swear. i am never going back. never. its hell each time i do. and its hellier each time i try to. i did not only screwed my life but yours too. i've been selfish i am sorry. but being with you i am being more selfish because knowing that one day i will leave you again. i am holding back my feelings and emotions, i am not going to throw it out neither am i going to think about all the past because i know if i do i wont be able to control my humble self. right now my words are like pebbles being thrown directly at your heart, but u dont know each rock i threw are being thrown back at me with triple the strength. you do not trust me i understand. all the feelings u have for me and the thoughts u have about me i know them well too. it hurts when u say i talk like a bitch each time we quarrel, and it hurts when u say those nasty stuffs. but i know why u said all these. i am no better. but i do not call you a bastard or jerk do i? you say i speak arrogantly, but have u looked at the way you speak? its ok no one will ever look at themselves. they will only judge others. right now when i think about what u've said, i felt so hurt. is there anything i can do to stop these tears from flowing? is there any breakups that doesnt hurt a single bit? can someone just tell me what i should do? can i share my feelings with someone without gaining any pity or nasty remarks? what am i to do now? i just ended a close to two years relationship. and i wasnt ditched by him, i initiated it. so who is the bad one here? me isnt it? its my choice but why am i feeling so miserable? he hates me now. thats a very painful word. but i know he must be feeling worse. because it is obvious he loves me more than i do. we came from two worlds apart. his friends must have hated me, i know. neither do my friends like him. why?
does all relationship end up this sour? but at least now i felt a sense of relief. no more fear of hiding from my parents. seriously its best to be with someone whom your parents agree to. because it will be a happy and carefree relationship. serious. what should i do now? i dont know. i cant imagine living without him because i am so use to having him around, even though i can ignore him for so long but i know he is still there. but this time it feels different, he is no longer there. he's going to move on. he is not coming back i know. a part of me feels relieved yet the other half is crying for him not to go. i cant imagine whats the future like. i am afraid to wake up crying and having nightmares of losing him. but still its my decision isnt it? i can choose to be with him forever but right now i am going to let go. i know i have to. i am going to write out all my sorrows on a wall, i am going to stamp it with my blood. but i will let the rain wash it away while my feelings flow with the washes down blood. i dont want to hear anything right now. neither do i want to see anything. i am not going to do any work either. i will go kill my feelings now.
Cries of attitudelamb at 12:11 AM
