Tuesday, October 31, 2006
BWAHAHAHA!!! yeah, i haven blog for so super long, my bloggy missed me i know. =) anyway today i was feeling pretty down. no mood at all. =( last night had some talk with my bf which turned out sour. slept at 2 going 3am. very tired. but thankfully its ok now. still a little bitter but i'm sure things will turn out sweet and life will spice up again right dada? hehe..anyway he's moving house soon, yeah i cant wait to help him pack up. moahahaha. tml i have dental appointment at 3.30. so late, meeting dada after that. damn so late maybe i should meet him before that. i thought my appt was 2. screwed up. at night i have to go church, but maybe i can make up and excuse and skip church or maybe not. shall see about it.
this sunday we are going to have our basic sailing level one assessment. ah!! i'm nervous. i dont wanna screw up. i just wanna get the cert over and done with. pray hard for me peeps.
right i guess im going to bed now. very tired. best weather to knock off. *twist*
Cries of attitudelamb at 2:49 AM
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
right right, SELAMAT HARI RAYA!! this is specially dedicated to dinah, faz and ain my darlings. haha! hope you guys had fun. EATING! haha, finally can eat huh. lets feast on wednesday girls. haha!well i've been rotting home for the whole day. suppose to go meet cheryl today but its her dad's birthday so backed out. anyway i went to central to get my new specs. looks nerdy and ordinary, well, thats the way as i want no attention. i'll be getting it on thurs. hehe.
anyway my bf is working today so i couldnt meet him up. at least for a show honey. =( he is working at this factory, stock taking. he says its tough. haha! poor thing. well i rot at home u are working so hard.
i feel like sleeping man, so bored at home. reading my novel the whole day. i am going to continue now, ciaoz! *twist*
Cries of attitudelamb at 4:59 AM
Friday, October 20, 2006
hey everyone, im back. =) well, every is asking how's de MEL camp, all i can say is, "its alright." yup, nothing much, but i did learnt some stuffs none others would have learnt. such as mr khoo swee chow's talks, stars navigation etc. one symbol of the camp. hehe. i will upload the rest of the pics another day when i receive all de pics i can get.
alright, today i went to poly marina for lesson. after sch when i was on my way back i received a news from Eve. a shocking and devastating news which up till now, none of us can accept. Alex passed away last night due to an accident. haiz. ppl should nv ever ride or drive without a licence. that poor guy wasted his life due to mischieve and stubborness. i was so taken aback and this is the first time, feeling the fear of death. one moment you are there, the next u are not. unpredictable. Alex had been a good guy. always smiling. remembered when we were young, my brothers, his sisters, him, our frenz, we hang out together. now thinking about it brings back memories. its really hard to accept his death. all of us in the church miss him badly i believe and we will all pray for him. i noe god will take him to heaven. he still serve god on sunday, being an altar boy who always turns up for mass whenever they needed him. i bet his family must have broken down. when my brother told me how he died, it was really heartbreaking. really. i haven been in contact with his sister ah ber for a long time. i really wonder how is she. he is her only brother, the only son. i feel sorry for her and her family. i put myself in her shoes, what if the same happened to my brother? wad will i do? i cant imagine how devastated the ppl around will be. and what if its my bf who now wants to learn a bike? what if something bad like this happen? will these loved ones of mine be able to say their last words to us whom care? will they even have the last breathe to regret or ask for forgiveness from God? thats why i dont wan my bf to learn how to ride a bike. car is safer though de risk is still there. ur life is protected by metal but a bike's life is protected by ur flesh. is it really worth it? no. i am going to his funeral soon anyway. i am afraid to see his body though. the fact of losing someone u nv thought of is just unbelievable. who would have thought about it? no one. my mum kept crying, my dad was dumb founded. he was like our brother and a son to the church.
haiz, alright i dont know what else to say. he is gone, God has taken him. may he rest in peace. well for now all we can do is to pray for him. im going off soon. *twist*
Cries of attitudelamb at 3:37 AM
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
ah i wanted to type so much but i suddenly feel so down. sometimes someone's words will just affect u strongly. though it may be nothing intentional, still the impact is there. *sigh*last night i had a great time with my girl friends at cwp's swensens. love ya girls. haha! i miss my sec sch friends. sabrina, cheryl, ys, wenting etc. these buddies are not in my sch so seldom get to see them. haiz. miss them really damn much. SEE THIS BABES!!! HAHA!!!
ya, some MEL camp talk in sch, STUPID TALK! how did it end up to be a sexual prevention talk? how irritating. these words will nv get into teenagers' head la! de more u prevent, the more curious they'll get so why not just let these curious cats DIE since they are so curious. since they have been warned and since they already knew the dangers of sex why must they still do it. so if they are so curious just let them be and the consequences are theirs. im just sick of these kind of talks. gets on my nerves.
alright maybe because im pmsing thats why im like venting my anger here but hey, isnt that what most ppl will do? vent their anger in a blog? =) yeah.
im meeting my bf for dinner tml. yeah, finally.. haha! ya i know we just had lunch together on monday but it was two days ago. seems like years. hmmm, love is something great yet sometimes it just isnt. it feels good to be loved, but the feeling sucks when something goes wrong and a war starts. it feels good to love someone too, but the feeling sucks when both parties get hurt. alright, just typing how i feel. dont get de wrong idea honey, i do love u lots. =) *huggies*
alright, im tired. im going to bed. *twist*
Cries of attitudelamb at 8:03 AM
Friday, October 06, 2006
DIARY OF JANE - BREAKING BENJAMINIf I had to
I would put myself right beside you
So let me ask
Would you like that?
Would you like that?
And I don't mind
If you say this love is the last time
So now I'll ask
Do you like that?
Do you like that?
No
Something's getting in the way
Something's just about to break
I will try to find my place in the diary of Jane
So tell me how it should be
Try to find out what makes you tick
As I lie down
Sore and sick
Do you like that?
Do you like that?
There's a fine line between love and hate
And I don't mind
Just let me say that I like that
I like that
Something's getting in the way
Something's just about to break
I will try to find my place in the diary of Jane
As I burn another page
As I look the other way
I still try to find my place in the diary of Jane
So tell me how it should be
Desperate, I will crawl
Waiting for so long
No love, there is no love
Die for anyone
What have I become
Something's getting in the way
Something's just about to break
I will try to find my place in the diary of Jane
As I burn another page
As I look the other way
I still try to find my place
In the diary of Jane
oh yeah i am in love with this song. it songs so woolala man!!! wahaha! another lovely song is "sexyback" by justin timberlake. haha. really secay babeh. lol.
today at PM, tying knots. pretty fun learnt to tie the diff kinds of knots. haha! next week we will be taking SP dover out to sea. yeah.
after that met mum at westmall. was waiting in the lin ain msged me. that silly girl was locked outside her own home haha! so funny. stupid sia. lol!!!!! lucky she not raped. haa. ya had swensens with mummy. good prmo they have for lunch. haha. free soup drinks and dessert for any pasta and main course. hehe.
went to the hospital, doc says its better though its still bad. he says lucky i went earlier bcoz if i had gone later there goes my eye. i will lose my vision forever. means blurish vision for life. omg! no! really thank god. AMEN! haha! however he says my eye will PROBABLY recover. kinda glad yet afraid when i heard this word. it weighs alot. i might and might not. ya thats scary isnt it. haha. anyway i believe i will. going back for another check up next next week on the 20th of oct. my cousin's birthday. yeah.
ok, im going to slp. tml going to miss out all the fun at PM. they celebrating mooncake festi. but NVM i will have my own fun. isnt it my dar dar? hehe. lil secret. wahaha. ya anyway, HAPPY MID AUTUME FESTIVAL!!
yup, i shall end here, im tired. my bf hasnt call me. im gonna call him. poor thing i think he has some problems at work. hope the boss will be reasonable. yeah, thats all. *twist*
Cries of attitudelamb at 6:44 AM
Thursday, October 05, 2006
oo yeah peeps. haha! today is a long long day in school man. so sickening. lessons were all BORING!ok anyway today well, i am suppose to pms BUT end up gurvin was the one pmsing. donno what bit her or something she seems to be very irritated. crazy babe. haha. and nut thinks she looked pregnant today. lol!
oh ya, yeah i can go for the cruise trip. woohooo! im so so happy man. lol.. nut ain can too. but im sad gurvin and faz cant. i hope they can man. nisah still aint sure. right. but lets pray the two girls can go and it'll be our party man! oh i forgot to tell my bf! oppz! message u now. haha!
today on my way back in de bus, ain bully me. she is the meaness lil brat ive ever seen. seriously. she looks angelic and nerdy but she is NOT! HELL NO!!
ya so tml we are going dover den take cab. if not morning pic hour take from bukit batok damn ex la. she say wan pay, pay ur stupud goon goon head la! haha. so scared of roads still learn driving. lol monkey. haha..
hmmm, i wan to add music to my blog actually i already did but it isnt playing stupud thing.
tml going to the hospital again, sickening doctors. im going to the specialize la, don wan go hospital again la, waste money. idiotic doctors. haha. ok thats it for now. *twist*
Cries of attitudelamb at 6:30 AM
Monday, October 02, 2006
argh, i was just telling grace and cy how stupid it is to vent ur frustration in a blog, should get alive. well i guess i am dead wrong. its just de best place to SHOUT OUT LOUD like FUCK!!! yeah, it doesnt make me feel better though. FUCK FUCK FUCK! of all the words why fuck? ok lets try something like BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBOOOOOOOOOOOBOOOOOOOOOO!! ok, maybe because i'm just typing. no feel. i have to do the real thing like really shout but i cant do it bcoz ppl in my naighbourhood or my family will think im crazy. actually i dont really give a damn but to save me the trouble of explaining on de later part of the day i think i should just hold myself back. tolerance. like @#$!@#$@#, argh! just so frustrated.ya, i just had an argument with my bf BCOZ i am always so "lucky" to have my appointments on either monday or friday. both days which i end sch early and both days which i can go look him up. WELL, its not like i planned it or something. its just like crazy coincidence. hell! as if i wanted it to happen. why should i create trouble for myself. isnt it stupid? argh. anyway, the doctor planned the days, its their schedule. what can i do? stupid doctors. cant they just check it all in one day! save me the trouble of going down to the hospital in two or maybe even three consecutive weeks just for a short look at my bloody damaged cornea. fucking contact lens. stupid abrasion. moronic petrol. its just my luck la. if only 4D and toto is so lucky as well. woo, then i wouldnt mind all these crazy luck i'm having now.
ok my dear, i know you feel unhappy becoz i promised i will come find you. i am sorry. i am always saying just this period of time. yayaya. i know its my wrong. anyway i hope u will put urself in my shoes. with a mum that doesnt allow u to be in a relationship. to be pleasing everyone and coping with a tight schedule at the same time. trying to enjoy what u like doing but at the same time fearing you partner will be unhappy about it. having an ambitious ego like studying very hard and getting very good results so i can have a good job in future, but, knowing well you cant accomplish it as ur partner shares a different perspective point of view. how would you feel? my mum doesnt know about us and im trying hard to hide it. u know how hard that is? i have a very packed week. monday and friday are the only days during the weekdays which i end early but like i've told u earlier, sometimes i really wish to have fun with my friends. though you are my bf, i should be fair to you, but ya, i do come find you whenever i can. tues and thurs i really end late. wed and sun i have my cca. i know u hate my cca bcoz of it i aint spending enough time with u. but, why am i still reluctant to quit? bcoz i like my cca. u would say its bcoz of the guys in there but like shit man, its not. im in this cca bcoz i really like sailing. u know the feeling of being out at sea, sailing. it feels really good. saturday i do come and find u when i am free. i always find ways of lying to my mum just to get to meet u. but u are complaining saying i am not going to find u bcoz of my stupid appointments. why not think of the past when i came to find u almost everyday without complaining. u know how tired that is to travel all the way from sch to woodlands after a day of waking up early most of the time? but bcoz i love u thats why i aint complaining though sometimes i do and that is only when u are trying to argue with me so i'll just voice all my unhappiness. i am really glad being with u. but i cant let go of my teenage fun just to please u my dear. life? its all about how u spend it. know im 17, i just wanna be what i wanna be. i just wan to have fun. with u, with my friends, with everyone. not that kinda fun like in the pub or wadeva, but like hanging out playing eating chatting. when im old, i wont even be meeting my friends often anymore. when i am old, we will all be more mature and we will be together most of the time then. so right now why cant i have my way too? yes i am selfish, i didnt think about u. thats definitely what u will say. i know. i agree. but bcoz i know u will feel this way, thats why i am feeling guilty. thats why i am trying to sometimes push away my other funs for u. i am happy being with you. really happy. its only when i am not with you, thats when the pressure comes to me.i really do feel like forgetting everything. like i have no worries. what for stress myself out? u are not stressing me. my mistake actually. come to think of it, its me stressing myself out. the choices i made. the steps i took. these choices thats making me feel so depressed. im not trying to complain much actually. i know you work most of the time and its really tiring and u miss me and yet i am not looking u up and thats what pisses u off. i know u feel that i do not miss u and i am lying to you about something and u do not trust me becoz of what i've done in the past. but no my dear, i do miss u alot and i am sad when u do not reply to my messages but i know bcoz u must be busy with work. i am sad when i cant look u up, when the doctor says i have a next appointment on friday and i cant look u up again. i feel fear and sadness. fear bcoz i know we will quarrel and i hate it. sadness bcoz i cant get to meet u. i am sad each time u say i am lying that i have some other guy friends that i am hiding from u bcoz i swear i do not have. i am not interested in other guys anymore, i may find them goodlooking but so? its not love. i am sad when i know u do not trust me but i cant expect u to trust me bcoz of the past and ur fear. i've made a mistake once twice thrice. but i wont do it anymore bcoz each time before i do something ur words will come into my mind and i'll just back off instantly. u are scared of losing me and u are sick of chasing me. i am scared to lose u and i am afraid u wouldnt come back to me anymore. many ppl would tell me u aint the right guy for me, u look like a gangster blah blah blah, but they didnt look at the good side of u. u are honest. u treat me so good. u love me so much. blah blah blah. many ppl would tell u i aint worth ur effort to go after bcoz i do not cherish u, there's nthing great about me, i treat u like shit. but is that true? maybe it is really true. i dont know how u feel or what u think about me. but i know, to me u are great. though maybe we are from different world but we are comfortable and happy with each others company isnt it? we have great times together, laughing and crapping. though sometimes we quarrel but deep down inside we are both hurt. thats why we yell and shout at each other. even crying silently isnt enough.
haiz, what do i feel now. fear. what is fear, its false evidence appearing real. probably. or just fuck everything and run. which is fear? i dont know. what the doctor said makes my hair stand on ends. it brings a cold down my spine. i can feel myself trembling inside though its not cold at all. "at this age u shouldnt have this really bad condition. so i am directing u to my colleague who specialize in corneas as u seem to have a very bad eye. your cornea isnt smooth at all and it looks pretty bad." ya how do u feel if u have these words thrown at u. i do not know hw to react so i just nodded. but i was like wtf? what do u mean? i dont wanna come back to the hospital. i hate the sight of medicine. now i have to drip four kinds of eye drops in my eyes. one stings, one makes my vision really blur, one feels moist and one pricks. i didnt want this to happen. why didnt i listen to my mum when she says contact lens are bad for the eyes? my eyes were perfect once but it aint the way it were anymore. its ruined now. i dont even know whats the future of it. will i recover or do i have to stick with these blurry eyes forever? i dont know. and i wish to know but i am afraid to find out the truth too. i am afraid it might be something i dont wish to hear. probably i will find out this friday. i am really scared. but who is there to comfort me? my bf will scold me, blame me for going sailing. my mum will scold me, nag at me for not listening to her in the past. my friends wouldnt understand how i feel. only god knows but he wouldnt be there to give me a hug. so who am i left with? no one but myself. i have to face the world with a smile saying i am fine and i am ok. but deep inside, i dont really know how i feel.
i dont think anyone will read the whole of my entry bcoz ppl are only interested in talking about themselves like what i am doing now. and ppl will only be interested in ppl who are similar to them but no one is similar to me. who would bother to read a lengthy and boring entry, one full of complains and anger, frustrations and fears, tears and sorrows. who? anyway i cant be bothered. ppl are happy the way they live, ya, thats life and that should be the way. so i shouldnt be complaining so much, just wanna type whats in my heart. i need no comments nor suggestions. no comforts or pat on the shoulder bcoz i am fine. yes in reality. i am fine. whatever. *twist*
