Monday, October 02, 2006
argh, i was just telling grace and cy how stupid it is to vent ur frustration in a blog, should get alive. well i guess i am dead wrong. its just de best place to SHOUT OUT LOUD like FUCK!!! yeah, it doesnt make me feel better though. FUCK FUCK FUCK! of all the words why fuck? ok lets try something like BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBOOOOOOOOOOOBOOOOOOOOOO!! ok, maybe because i'm just typing. no feel. i have to do the real thing like really shout but i cant do it bcoz ppl in my naighbourhood or my family will think im crazy. actually i dont really give a damn but to save me the trouble of explaining on de later part of the day i think i should just hold myself back. tolerance. like @#$!@#$@#, argh! just so frustrated.
ya, i just had an argument with my bf BCOZ i am always so "lucky" to have my appointments on either monday or friday. both days which i end sch early and both days which i can go look him up. WELL, its not like i planned it or something. its just like crazy coincidence. hell! as if i wanted it to happen. why should i create trouble for myself. isnt it stupid? argh. anyway, the doctor planned the days, its their schedule. what can i do? stupid doctors. cant they just check it all in one day! save me the trouble of going down to the hospital in two or maybe even three consecutive weeks just for a short look at my bloody damaged cornea. fucking contact lens. stupid abrasion. moronic petrol. its just my luck la. if only 4D and toto is so lucky as well. woo, then i wouldnt mind all these crazy luck i'm having now.
ok my dear, i know you feel unhappy becoz i promised i will come find you. i am sorry. i am always saying just this period of time. yayaya. i know its my wrong. anyway i hope u will put urself in my shoes. with a mum that doesnt allow u to be in a relationship. to be pleasing everyone and coping with a tight schedule at the same time. trying to enjoy what u like doing but at the same time fearing you partner will be unhappy about it. having an ambitious ego like studying very hard and getting very good results so i can have a good job in future, but, knowing well you cant accomplish it as ur partner shares a different perspective point of view. how would you feel? my mum doesnt know about us and im trying hard to hide it. u know how hard that is? i have a very packed week. monday and friday are the only days during the weekdays which i end early but like i've told u earlier, sometimes i really wish to have fun with my friends. though you are my bf, i should be fair to you, but ya, i do come find you whenever i can. tues and thurs i really end late. wed and sun i have my cca. i know u hate my cca bcoz of it i aint spending enough time with u. but, why am i still reluctant to quit? bcoz i like my cca. u would say its bcoz of the guys in there but like shit man, its not. im in this cca bcoz i really like sailing. u know the feeling of being out at sea, sailing. it feels really good. saturday i do come and find u when i am free. i always find ways of lying to my mum just to get to meet u. but u are complaining saying i am not going to find u bcoz of my stupid appointments. why not think of the past when i came to find u almost everyday without complaining. u know how tired that is to travel all the way from sch to woodlands after a day of waking up early most of the time? but bcoz i love u thats why i aint complaining though sometimes i do and that is only when u are trying to argue with me so i'll just voice all my unhappiness. i am really glad being with u. but i cant let go of my teenage fun just to please u my dear. life? its all about how u spend it. know im 17, i just wanna be what i wanna be. i just wan to have fun. with u, with my friends, with everyone. not that kinda fun like in the pub or wadeva, but like hanging out playing eating chatting. when im old, i wont even be meeting my friends often anymore. when i am old, we will all be more mature and we will be together most of the time then. so right now why cant i have my way too? yes i am selfish, i didnt think about u. thats definitely what u will say. i know. i agree. but bcoz i know u will feel this way, thats why i am feeling guilty. thats why i am trying to sometimes push away my other funs for u. i am happy being with you. really happy. its only when i am not with you, thats when the pressure comes to me.i really do feel like forgetting everything. like i have no worries. what for stress myself out? u are not stressing me. my mistake actually. come to think of it, its me stressing myself out. the choices i made. the steps i took. these choices thats making me feel so depressed. im not trying to complain much actually. i know you work most of the time and its really tiring and u miss me and yet i am not looking u up and thats what pisses u off. i know u feel that i do not miss u and i am lying to you about something and u do not trust me becoz of what i've done in the past. but no my dear, i do miss u alot and i am sad when u do not reply to my messages but i know bcoz u must be busy with work. i am sad when i cant look u up, when the doctor says i have a next appointment on friday and i cant look u up again. i feel fear and sadness. fear bcoz i know we will quarrel and i hate it. sadness bcoz i cant get to meet u. i am sad each time u say i am lying that i have some other guy friends that i am hiding from u bcoz i swear i do not have. i am not interested in other guys anymore, i may find them goodlooking but so? its not love. i am sad when i know u do not trust me but i cant expect u to trust me bcoz of the past and ur fear. i've made a mistake once twice thrice. but i wont do it anymore bcoz each time before i do something ur words will come into my mind and i'll just back off instantly. u are scared of losing me and u are sick of chasing me. i am scared to lose u and i am afraid u wouldnt come back to me anymore. many ppl would tell me u aint the right guy for me, u look like a gangster blah blah blah, but they didnt look at the good side of u. u are honest. u treat me so good. u love me so much. blah blah blah. many ppl would tell u i aint worth ur effort to go after bcoz i do not cherish u, there's nthing great about me, i treat u like shit. but is that true? maybe it is really true. i dont know how u feel or what u think about me. but i know, to me u are great. though maybe we are from different world but we are comfortable and happy with each others company isnt it? we have great times together, laughing and crapping. though sometimes we quarrel but deep down inside we are both hurt. thats why we yell and shout at each other. even crying silently isnt enough.
haiz, what do i feel now. fear. what is fear, its false evidence appearing real. probably. or just fuck everything and run. which is fear? i dont know. what the doctor said makes my hair stand on ends. it brings a cold down my spine. i can feel myself trembling inside though its not cold at all. "at this age u shouldnt have this really bad condition. so i am directing u to my colleague who specialize in corneas as u seem to have a very bad eye. your cornea isnt smooth at all and it looks pretty bad." ya how do u feel if u have these words thrown at u. i do not know hw to react so i just nodded. but i was like wtf? what do u mean? i dont wanna come back to the hospital. i hate the sight of medicine. now i have to drip four kinds of eye drops in my eyes. one stings, one makes my vision really blur, one feels moist and one pricks. i didnt want this to happen. why didnt i listen to my mum when she says contact lens are bad for the eyes? my eyes were perfect once but it aint the way it were anymore. its ruined now. i dont even know whats the future of it. will i recover or do i have to stick with these blurry eyes forever? i dont know. and i wish to know but i am afraid to find out the truth too. i am afraid it might be something i dont wish to hear. probably i will find out this friday. i am really scared. but who is there to comfort me? my bf will scold me, blame me for going sailing. my mum will scold me, nag at me for not listening to her in the past. my friends wouldnt understand how i feel. only god knows but he wouldnt be there to give me a hug. so who am i left with? no one but myself. i have to face the world with a smile saying i am fine and i am ok. but deep inside, i dont really know how i feel.
i dont think anyone will read the whole of my entry bcoz ppl are only interested in talking about themselves like what i am doing now. and ppl will only be interested in ppl who are similar to them but no one is similar to me. who would bother to read a lengthy and boring entry, one full of complains and anger, frustrations and fears, tears and sorrows. who? anyway i cant be bothered. ppl are happy the way they live, ya, thats life and that should be the way. so i shouldnt be complaining so much, just wanna type whats in my heart. i need no comments nor suggestions. no comforts or pat on the shoulder bcoz i am fine. yes in reality. i am fine. whatever. *twist*
Cries of attitudelamb at 6:04 AM
